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Ruminating

March 11, 2012

There’s so much sunshine around, but it feels like there’s a bit of something dark looming around me. I can’t put my finger on it because it’s not all-consuming like it has been at many points for me, but it’s there. I can feel it looming. I’m trying to be proactive and take good care of myself and eat well and move my body and get lots of sunshine, but it’s still there and I’m not sure where I want to go from here.  I’m losing my job at the end of this month, so less than 3 weeks left seems suddenly more real. I’m thankful that I only work part-time and that it’s not a massive hit for us, but it’s a hit all the same.  It will require changes and pulling strings tighter on an already tight budget.

Please don’t get me wrong – I’m just plain thankful for a roof over our heads and food on the table.  But it feels like the worry is creeping back in. I made major film and camera mistakes lately that have brought me to tears when I know that friends were hoping for beautiful images of their precious families and the work that I delivered is just not the work I want mine to be. I don’t know where that leaves me except in a learning mode that makes me feel tentative about scheduling more sessions right now. I know that I have so much to learn, but it’s disheartening to work so hard and feel like, almost a year later, I’ve finally gotten the hang of this film gig only to have it go completely wrong. Especially when I have been hoping that I can slowly grow this business into a bit more income for our family and I begin to questions whether or not I really should do that at this point. Am I really ready? Is it fair to charge? Do I have the skills I was feeling I had finally started to learned with confidence? I manage shots that I adore for our family on a regular basis, but is that enough?

I don’t know. Just kind of thinking tonight and I’ll probably feel self-conscious and regret putting this all out there tomorrow, but it feels good to be honest and real sometimes. Everybody’s got their something and worries permeate all boundaries in their own way. I think everyone can relate to some level of financial or job or future plan worries, don’t you?

6 Comments leave one →
  1. March 11, 2012 11:36 pm

    you are a gifted photographer, Lil. don’t second guess yourself. mistakes are part of the journey whether you’ve been doing it for one year or one hundred years.

  2. March 12, 2012 12:59 am

    Amen Liz. Yes, your talent is clear in EVERY post you make. Vulnerability makes us human and mistakes are part of it all. Love your work, love your words… stay real; and hang tight. Love the one of your daughter in pink. Lighting is beautiful, and she is so adorable. Lovely post, as always.

  3. March 12, 2012 11:44 am

    Been reading your blog for a while and absolutely love the pictures you take. I love how you are able to incorporate the everyday into something beautiful through your photography. Don’t give up! We all have worries in our life, but perseverance is half the battle. =)

  4. March 12, 2012 12:22 pm

    Let me add my voice of encouragement here too. Your talent for photography is so obvious to me every time I come to your blog. You truly, truly have a gift. And, my guess is that the ‘mistakes’ you feel you made on the photos you took for your friends are probably obvious only to you. I do understand that feeling of having a certain standard that you’ve set for yourself & being disappointed when you don’t feel like you’ve reached it. But, I bet your friends think the photos are amazing!

  5. March 13, 2012 10:22 am

    You are absolutely AH-MAZING. Everyone is going to slip up now and then and not have something be perfect…and that is ok. There is beauty in imperfections – even if it is simply a learning experience.

    You got this Lillian…and you are going to rock it.

  6. March 14, 2012 11:02 am

    Uh, yes. With you on the concerns/worries about the future. Keep going!!!

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