There’s so much sunshine around, but it feels like there’s a bit of something dark looming around me. I can’t put my finger on it because it’s not all-consuming like it has been at many points for me, but it’s there. I can feel it looming. I’m trying to be proactive and take good care of myself and eat well and move my body and get lots of sunshine, but it’s still there and I’m not sure where I want to go from here. I’m losing my job at the end of this month, so less than 3 weeks left seems suddenly more real. I’m thankful that I only work part-time and that it’s not a massive hit for us, but it’s a hit all the same. It will require changes and pulling strings tighter on an already tight budget.
Please don’t get me wrong – I’m just plain thankful for a roof over our heads and food on the table. But it feels like the worry is creeping back in. I made major film and camera mistakes lately that have brought me to tears when I know that friends were hoping for beautiful images of their precious families and the work that I delivered is just not the work I want mine to be. I don’t know where that leaves me except in a learning mode that makes me feel tentative about scheduling more sessions right now. I know that I have so much to learn, but it’s disheartening to work so hard and feel like, almost a year later, I’ve finally gotten the hang of this film gig only to have it go completely wrong. Especially when I have been hoping that I can slowly grow this business into a bit more income for our family and I begin to questions whether or not I really should do that at this point. Am I really ready? Is it fair to charge? Do I have the skills I was feeling I had finally started to learned with confidence? I manage shots that I adore for our family on a regular basis, but is that enough?
I don’t know. Just kind of thinking tonight and I’ll probably feel self-conscious and regret putting this all out there tomorrow, but it feels good to be honest and real sometimes. Everybody’s got their something and worries permeate all boundaries in their own way. I think everyone can relate to some level of financial or job or future plan worries, don’t you?