It’s been a rough week or two around here. Sickness and stress and money worries and I’m officially going on 6 months of not working with not nearly enough photo gigs to fill in the gaps. Figuring things out and re-working a tight budget and trying to figure out any last drop of wiggle room. Not wanting to talk about it because we’re adults. And don’t you know that adults never worry about money? Everyone else has all of the money in the world and never has to worry or budget or say no to things, right? We all know it’s not true, but isn’t that how it always feels? Are you tacky like me? Do you talk about these things out loud and make other people squirm? The endless conundrum of staying home and money being tight or going to work and paying so.much.money for daycare if you have little ones. I feel badly about talking about it so candidly sometimes, but I’m just so sick of the front we all feel like we have to put up that everything is always perfect. It doesn’t matter how much or how little money you make, everyone feels the squeeze sometimes because it’s all relative. But even in a stressful week, we have a house we love and comfy beds to sleep in and food to eat and the ability to go to the doctor and send our kids to great schools where they are valued and safe and lots of extra clothes to layer and blankets to pile while we try to squeeze in one more week of not turning on the heat because we need to fill up the oil tank for the winter and overall health to carry us through. Why is it such a human state to constantly have to remind ourselves to keep all of that in perspective?
Do you know those days when you tell yourself that you’re staying home, not going anywhere, relaxing, getting stuff done that you keep avoiding? And inevitably you wind up anywhere but home – the grocery store, Target, renting a movie at the Redbox, the park – anywhere but home and always spending money. Story of my life. Except this week. And last. We’ve stayed put like nothing else and it has been amazing. I’ve even caught myself on multiple occasions starting to try to go somewhere and turning the car around because I know it’s just too much. I’m tired from 2 weeks of bronchitis, but thankful for the time and ability to be here and rest. Even this morning, when I’m feeling the tiniest bit better, Nick and I decided to go to the grocery store only to get out a bit while Mia was at school and he had an accident and we had to turn around and go home anyway since he was all wet – a sure sign that we need to just stay home. Why is it so hard to rest? Or to just stop piddling money away with stupid trips out and about? Is it because just stopping, just slowing down, just being present makes us really face things?