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Slowly

October 12, 2012

It’s been a rough week or two around here.  Sickness and stress and money worries and I’m officially going on 6 months of not working with not nearly enough photo gigs to fill in the gaps.  Figuring things out and re-working a tight budget and trying to figure out any last drop of wiggle room.  Not wanting to talk about it because we’re adults.  And don’t you know that adults never worry about money?  Everyone else has all of the money in the world and never has to worry or budget or say no to things, right?  We all know it’s not true, but isn’t that how it always feels?  Are you tacky like me?  Do you talk about these things out loud and make other people squirm?  The endless conundrum of staying home and money being tight or going to work and paying so.much.money for daycare if you have little ones.  I feel badly about talking about  it so candidly sometimes, but I’m just so sick of the front we all feel like we have to put up that everything is always perfect. It doesn’t matter how much or how little money you make, everyone feels the squeeze sometimes because it’s all relative.  But even in a stressful week, we have a house we love and comfy beds to sleep in and food to eat and the ability to go to the doctor and send our kids to great schools where they are valued and safe and lots of extra clothes to layer and blankets to pile while we try to squeeze in one more week of not turning on the heat because we need to fill up the oil tank for the winter and overall health to carry us through.  Why is it such a human state to constantly have to remind ourselves to keep all of that in perspective?

Do you know those days when you tell yourself that you’re staying home, not going anywhere, relaxing, getting stuff done that you keep avoiding?  And inevitably you wind up anywhere but home  – the grocery store, Target, renting a movie at the Redbox, the park – anywhere but home and always spending money.  Story of my life.  Except this week.  And last. We’ve stayed put like nothing else and it has been amazing.  I’ve even caught myself on multiple occasions starting to try to go somewhere and turning the car around because I know it’s just too much.  I’m tired from 2 weeks of bronchitis, but thankful for the time and ability to be here and rest.  Even this morning, when I’m feeling the tiniest bit better, Nick and I decided to go to the grocery store only to get out a bit while Mia was at school and he had an accident and we had to turn around and go home anyway since he was all wet – a sure sign that we need to just stay home.  Why is it so hard to rest?  Or to just stop piddling money away with stupid trips out and about?  Is it because just stopping, just slowing down, just being present makes us really face things?

12 Comments leave one →
  1. October 12, 2012 9:51 pm

    ” Is it because just stopping, just slowing down, just being present makes us really face things?”
    This. Yes. Like the fact that my not-so-large house feels constantly cluttered (or at least our bedrooms do) and I never have any idea where to start the decluttering process. And I’m about 6 loads behind on laundry. And even if I do stay home, i end up baking something, which then messes up the kitchen, which then needs to be cleaned up and 2 hours later all I’ve gotten done is a cake and dishes. And to be 1000% honest, I get so. freaking. bored. when we’re stuck at home and my kids always end up watching too much tv. So there it is. 😛 The stuff I don’t like saying out loud.

  2. October 13, 2012 8:31 am

    OMG, you read my mind once again! I totally relate to the above comment too. Lillian, I wish we lived closer and could walk to each other’s houses for coffee and a chat about this kind of stuff.

    • Lillian permalink*
      October 14, 2012 8:59 pm

      You know I ditto that 1000% – I so wish you lived closer!!!

  3. October 13, 2012 6:16 pm

    I honestly look at everything I’m going to buy and ask “do I really NEED this?” and the answer is always no. We treat ourselves once and a while (like a few times a year?) but I think we’re great at budgeting simply because every penny is important and adds up. I have never bought one thing out of a Target dollar bin and never get a snack or drink while I’m out. I’m not quite sure my kids are missing out on anything.

    • Lillian permalink*
      October 14, 2012 8:58 pm

      Kim, you are my hero and my hope that it really is possible to tell myself these things are really do them! You know your kids are SO not missing out on anything and getting so so many more good things out of the equation:)

  4. October 16, 2012 10:17 am

    So true- Money is such a silent issue- I’m always worried that someone is going to point out how luckywe are to be able to survive on one income- what they don’t realize is that we honestly think about every expense we make- even a one dollar pack of gum. It can really wear on a person, and relationship- especially when it feels like no one else worries about that stuff.

    • October 16, 2012 8:24 pm

      Angela-I think the same thing. People have pointed out to me how crazy lucky I am to stay home. They don’t realize that one of their incomes is more than our one income…and we work really hard (and sacrifice!) to raise 5 kiddos on one income because it’s important to us. You’re right, it is tiring sometimes.

  5. October 16, 2012 8:26 pm

    I really appreciate your honesty here. You are SO not alone in this. We work really hard to live in one income because it’s what we’ve decided is important in this season (a 13 year season so far!). It is lonely sometimes, especially when you have to say no to things and others just don’t seem to understand.

    • Lillian permalink*
      October 18, 2012 9:45 pm

      So true on the saying no! Thanks for the encouragement, it’s nice to not be alone:)

  6. Jenn permalink
    October 18, 2012 11:01 pm

    This is all so true and exactly why I love talking to you about what life is really like. You understand that putting up a false front is only a barrier to a great friendship. Thanks for being a great friend

  7. October 19, 2012 4:01 pm

    You are so not alone Lillian. We scrimped (and I mean SCRIMPED) and saved to take Nolan to Disneyland. Listening to other people talk, they just jet off on trips willy nilly. How do people afford that? I don’t understand. We make a decent living but pretty much every.single.penny is allocated to SOMETHING. I just don’t understand.

  8. October 21, 2012 12:41 pm

    SO very true! I’m with you on the deep and real conversations. I want more of them! Praying for your work situation and health and money and overall peace. xoxo.

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