From the Weekend
I don’t know what’s up, but I just haven’t felt like writing here. At least not much of any substance. I’ve finally felt like taking photos more, and I have been, but it’s just felt like the things on my mind are too heavy to just chit chat about here. People still without power. Utter devastation for families. Poverty and privilege and how we get on one side or the other. Sickness that just keeps hanging on for me and I don’t know why and there’s not much more for doctors to have me try. Dreams that keep haunting me for nights on end. Conspiracies of Silence – local stories I can’t shake after hearing certain bits about them lately. Thinking of those who have so little right now as we head into this cold season and issues like homelessness become even more complicated for so many and guilt while I dream of cozy, warm snow days with my family knowing that some don’t even have a coat. Battling with myself as I sit and make lists of presents for everyone around me with the voice in my head reminding me of all of those who aren’t having even their basic needs met on a daily basis.
Things that all deserve a discussion, this just doesn’t feel like the right place.
I vacillate often between these two extremes of guilt for what we have and the choices I’m able to make in life and wanting to just close my eyes because it all just feels like too much sometimes. The more we learn, the more we realize how little we know and the endless black hole of things that are unjust in the world just feels too huge. So I retreat. And take pictures of my kids riding scooters and the eggs we ate for breakfast. And I try to reign in the holiday spending and focus instead on a simple, easy holiday season filled with the traditions that have already come to mean the most to my kids. The Elf. Getting a tree. Baking cookies. Chocolate Advent calendars and St. Nicholas Day. I send a prayer, or 100, for so many who truly need to much more, in so many ways, than we do right now and focus and re-focus on ways to save money to be able to give much more money and time and prayers in more ways.
It’s not even like I feel like I’m in a rough spot or an, nothing at all like that. Just perhaps that we’re going into winter and slowing and quieting and retreating a bit. Plus, I’m going back to work for just through the holidays and figuring out the logistics of it all. I don’t know. Do you ever feel like this?
This weekend: John put up Christmas lights because it was so warm. I headed back to work for the first time for a meeting. Photographs of a beautiful family and a couple. An ice-cream-for-dinner-at-Friendly’s night. A trip to market and visiting with friends. A last minute late breakfast with a favorite. An afternoon nap with a boy who desperately needed it. All in all, just the right speed.