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From the Weekend

November 12, 2012

I don’t know what’s up, but I just haven’t felt like writing here.  At least not much of any substance.  I’ve finally felt like taking photos more, and I have been, but it’s just felt like the things on my mind are too heavy to just chit chat about here.  People still without power.  Utter devastation for families.  Poverty and privilege and how we get on one side or the other.  Sickness that just keeps hanging on for me and I don’t know why and there’s not much more for doctors to have me try.  Dreams that keep haunting me for nights on end.  Conspiracies of Silence – local stories I can’t shake after hearing certain bits about them lately.  Thinking of those who have so little right now as we head into this cold season and issues like homelessness become even more complicated for so many and guilt while I dream of  cozy, warm snow days with my family knowing that some don’t even have a coat.  Battling with myself as I sit and make lists of presents for everyone around me with the voice in my head reminding me of all of those who aren’t having even their basic needs met on a daily basis.

Things that all deserve a discussion, this just doesn’t feel like the right place.

I vacillate often between these two extremes of guilt for what we have and the choices I’m able to make in life and wanting to just close my eyes because it all just feels like too much sometimes.  The more we learn, the more we realize how little we know and the endless black hole of things that are unjust in the world just feels too huge.  So I retreat.  And take pictures of my kids riding scooters and the eggs we ate for breakfast.  And I try to reign in the holiday spending and focus instead on a simple, easy holiday season filled with the traditions that have already come to mean the most to my kids.  The Elf.  Getting a tree.  Baking cookies.  Chocolate Advent calendars and St. Nicholas Day.  I send a prayer, or 100, for so many who truly need to much more, in so many ways,  than we do right now and focus and re-focus on ways to save money to be able to give much more money and time and prayers in more ways.

It’s not even like I feel like I’m in a rough spot or an, nothing at all like that.  Just perhaps that we’re going into winter and slowing and quieting and retreating a bit.  Plus, I’m going back to work for just through the holidays and figuring out the logistics of it all.  I don’t know.  Do you ever feel like this?

This weekend: John put up Christmas lights because it was so warm.  I headed back to work for the first time for a meeting.  Photographs of a beautiful family and a couple.  An ice-cream-for-dinner-at-Friendly’s night.  A trip to market and visiting with friends.  A last minute late breakfast with a favorite. An afternoon nap with a boy who desperately needed it.  All in all, just the right speed.

6 Comments leave one →
  1. November 12, 2012 1:50 pm

    For someone who doesn’t know what to say, you said a lot here. So much resonates with me as well. Most of my family is on the East coast, and while they fared better than others, it has still been hard. Very difficult to watch all of it, but even bigger… the fact that all of thes difficult things just cycle around. Different parts of the country and world, but the same loss ands struggles. It hurst the soul to see it, from the comfort of my life and home.

    As always, your photos are beautiful. The toilet paper one begs the question: what happened! I’ve seen no puppy in your photos, so who/what/where?

    Try to breath and step back. If we absorb the pains of the world, it’s that much easier to bring pain to our own world. The best we can do, is our best.

    • Lillian permalink*
      November 12, 2012 2:43 pm

      The toilet paper: They wanted some to “run races” (to run through it) and it was early morning and bought me some time to lay in bed a little longer, so I just let them have the roll:) PLEASE no puppy, at least not now!! Maybe a rescue;) I already have two puppies named Mia and Nick, I cannot imagine cramming another living thing into our tiny house!

  2. November 12, 2012 2:11 pm

    I share some of these sentiments so deeply it makes me tear up. So much petty drama in this world and in the end…what does it amount to? Nothing of importance. While the important stuff just glossed over in the hopes things will go back to “normal.”

    I didn’t know you guys did St. Nicholas day! One of my favorite parts of Christmas.

  3. Mia permalink
    January 31, 2013 8:20 am

    Fabulous photos! Amazing!
    (I just ran through this blog cause I saw one of yours photos on Pinterest)

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