Today was: Errands for last-minute holiday bits. Last-minute gathering of a list of names of adults attending the kindergarten winter party to ensure security. A walk to the park for a cold and quick few minutes with friends, dragging dolls and the doll stroller and rushing home for a bathroom emergency. Arthur’s Christmas (not to be confused with Arthur Christmas) while we snuggled on the couch under blankets. A big pot of chili with cornbread. A surprise visit from my Dad. A list a little too long, but progress is happening. Way too much whining (me included.) A grumpier-than-usual mom who is just a little worn out from all of the merry making combined with a lack of sleep from waking up and laying awake late into the night, every night since last Friday.
I wrote a long post about last Friday, I think I just needed to write down some thoughts to get them out of my head. These problems and issues, they’re wide and deep. But I just can’t focus on the political right now, not without thinking of all that’s been lost. I want to use my energy to focus on those who need loving thoughts right now. I’m not naive enough to think that it will change anything, but my thread of belief in goodness in this world runs deeply enough that I want to send goodness in any way possible to those in need right now.
I go through my days in a rhythmic pattern, each step reminding me of someone who will never do this again with their child almost the same age as mine. Towels thrown on the floor and three requests to please go get socks and hair brushed and bowls of yogurt with bananas. The oats go on top of the yogurt, then the blackberry jam that we made in the summer and I stop. Who will pull their homemade jam out of their fridge and weep inconsolable tears in the weeks and months to come as they remember their little one running up and down the rows of blackberries when the sun was hot? I stop and close my eyes to hold back the tears that sting and send more love, it feels like the only thing I can do in these moments of sadness.
Today was: Actually using a hair dryer on my hair. Running around for last-minute party supplies because I crashed at 6pm last night as we put the little ones to bed and slept for almost 12 hours straight, missing all of my prep time. A quick cup of tea and Orangina date with the little guy while we prepped supplies. A kindergarten winter party, all activities courtesy of Pinterest, complete with a trip home to change clothes right in the middle of the party because of a potty accident. Sweet little snowman ornaments and treats. A little guy with a spiking fever. Puke all over the table. A Charlie Brown Christmas and Mister Rogers all afternoon with intermittent kids napping with little pink fever cheeks. A cancelled date replaced by take-out on the couch and re-runs on tv and a little too much bickering (from the adults, not the kids.) Photo editing and gift wrapping. Thoughts on projects for the upcoming year. A realization that we’re likely not going to make a trip to visit Santa this year. Reassurance that it’s all going to happen whether or not I finish all of my projects. Christmas will come.
As this month grows cold and dark and we all seek warmth in the ways we know how, everything becomes a bit more quiet. I’ve been longing for the days of January when I know I’ll be able to slow down much more with the end of both the holidays and my days at work again. I know that people despise January for it’s shock of cold and loneliness, but I crave that break from everything desperately. For the time to sit quietly by myself and think and pray and process all that was in the year before. To focus energy on others in ways that I haven’t been able to accomplish through the everyday of fall. There has been so much sadness and difficulty and tragedy this year and I’ve been trying to process it all lately to no avail. Is it simply the lack of time as we cram these December days full of things to do places to go people to see? Is it that it was all closer to home that made it seem much more than years past? Is it just that I’m getting older and more able to comprehend the immensity of it all? I don’t know the answer to any of that, but I know that I need the quiet to process it all.
We’ll see what tomorrow brings, hopefully no more sickness. Winter. One more day of school, one more work day for John, two more work days for me, then it’s officially holiday time! How are you doing in this season of festivities? Prepping for Christmas? Having some quiet after Hanukkah? Sending many good thoughts to all of you for moments of peace while all of the hustle and bustle happens around us.